wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
