my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
