She is in my trunk
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
