I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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