did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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