No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
