11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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