I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
