Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
