No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
