just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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