i was rollin on her like bob the builder
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize