My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
