I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
