I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
