I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize