I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
