he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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