my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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