Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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