Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
