I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
