nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
