So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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