Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
