You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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