I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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