I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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