I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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