my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
