Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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