Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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