I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
