My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
