Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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