You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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