Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
