you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
