I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Is Oprah even human
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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