apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
