did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
