The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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