Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
