Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
