I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
