If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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