Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
