the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Floor bacon is actually really good
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
