I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize