now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Randomize
