After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
