dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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