Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize