this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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