I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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