Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
