Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize