Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize