I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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