Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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