I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Are my feet made of real feet?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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