if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
